Why
by zohreyha
Summary: Goku begins to question what he is doing here if he's nothing but trouble to everyone. After a typical fight, Goku wants an answer. Can Sanzo put his mind at ease? Mild shonen ai Rated M for language. This is my first fic. Please be kind and enjoy!


This is a story I kind of had in the back of my mind for awhile. I will be very honest in saying that this came about after reading another fanfic (I'm so sorry I don't remember the title of the author of that fic…please forgive me I would give credit if I could remember….it's been several years….please let me know if it sounds familiar…the other fic had a VERY different ending and I hate bad endings so I wrote this)

This is my first fic so here goes nothing

Standard disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or it's characters. I only like to ramble about things I wish would happen. Yes I'm borrowing them for my own entertainment and hopefully yours too ^_^

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Sleepy eyes fluttered open, forced to squint against the blinding light of the sun, before shutting protectively once again.

Goku let his head drift lower over the back edge of the jeep, feeling fortunate Hakuryu was able to carry them along their journey. He wished he could fall asleep simply to escape the monotony of the dessert drive. At least then he might be able to lengthen the time before another inevitable and pointless fight with the mouthy red head sitting next to him broke out. He hoped to avoid sending the blonde monk seated in front of him into a fit of rage he seemed so prone to. Goku was in no mood for empty death threats reducing to an aching head from the infamous paper fan appearing from nowhere.

Sleep, however welcome, remained elusive.

It was so damn hot! Even the occasional breeze that would sweep by felt like the waves of a raging fire. On top of this, Goku's stomach cried out in pain, having been empty since shortly after breakfast this morning. Didn't they plan on stopping for lunch sometime? He was sure Hakkai had put food in the cooler along with the beer stocked for that damn pervey water sprite and corrupt monk.

How Sanzo ever became a high ranking priest was something beyond Goku's understanding. How could someone be marked as close to the God's that he didn't even believe in? Goku was sure Sanzo had routinely broken every rule in the religion he was supposed to hold in such high regard. It just didn't make sense.

Goku's eyes lifted halfway again to look across the jeep to the monk who was currently occupying his thoughts.

A new pain began to creeping into Goku, slowly spreading fiery fingers across his chest making it slightly more difficult to breath and forcing Goku to swallow hard in attempt to open his throat that seemed to be closing.

Unable to place this new feeling he tried to right it off as an unusual sense of hunger. Sanzo sat starring at his news paper through small reading glasses. Funny how he could retain such coldness, even in the simplest activities.

Because of a strong distaste for that coldness, Goku had always done his best to try and melt some of the iciness from Sanzo. It was the least he could do. After all, wasn't Sanzo his savior, _his sun_? How could the sun be so cold? It wasn't natural.

How long had Goku sat alone in that cave? His memory was useless. He had no idea when or how or even why he was imprisoned there. He only knew it must have been really bad. Why couldn't he remember? It was like waking from a dream. Something was so familiar but the harder he tried to remember the fuzzier things became; emotion the only thing remaining clear.

Lonely; he was always lonely.

Even in his loneliness he knew there was someone. He had no name, no face, only a feeling. A feeling warm and beautiful, like the sun. Someone had once been his sun, his home, Goku knew this. And oh how he had yearned for that person. His heart had screamed for that person when his words could not. 500 years he silently called for an unknown savoir to come to his aid. Finally, one day he did.

No one EVER came anywhere near this lonely prison. Goku remembered rubbing his eyes as if trying to wake from a dream. This was no dream. The tall blonde monk had stood so near, separated only by the stone bars imprisoning him. Goku knew him at once. There was something so familiar about the man. Something that told him this was his sun!

Why Sanzo had freed him is unclear. With a word he had reached out his hand to Goku and the iron shackles that had bound him dissolved into nothing more than a memory. At that moment Goku gave his trust, heart, soul and eternal devotion to the man reaching out to him. Goku knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for his savior, his sun.

Over the time that followed, Goku had kept his promise, remaining the ever faithful pet at Sanzo's side. Without ever thinking he had more than often sacrificed himself to protect the man earning only insults and abuse as his payments. He had told himself that this was acceptable, that this was just Sanzo's way. Recently, however he was having trouble convincing himself that this was true.

Was he really as stupid and useless as the other's said? Were the comments more than just rough play? Even Hakkai seemed to be growing weary of him.

As far as he was concerned it didn't really matter what Hakkai and Gojyo thought of him. Sure he considered them both family. He loved them both as he would an elder brother, though Hakkai seemed more the doting mother at times. But Sanzo?

Sanzo was more. He was important, more so than the other two. But how? He couldn't place it. He wanted to be just as important to Sanzo. He wanted to be worth something, useful, wanted.

He was tired of being a burden, something to be tolerated, barely, for some unknown reason. Why couldn't he be useful, important? Why release him from his prison only to bind him to another one, one that was so much colder, and lonelier than the other had been.

In that moment Goku felt a longing for the cold chains that had held his arms and legs for so long, at least it was something. Then he still had his dreams, dreams of his sun.

He felt the pain in his chest sharpen. Once again, he longed for the sun, one that would warm and protect him, not scorch him to the very core of his soul. Goku called out to it with that same silent cry so familiar to him at one time. He screamed it from the depths of the emptiness that had settled were his youthful, devoted, loving, trusting, heart had once lived.

No answer. It seemed Sanzo was no longer able to hear him call, or no longer willing to acknowledge him.

That hurt, more than he wanted to admit. He felt something in him break, as that piece of trusting innocence that had always been his center crumbled, he asked himself why? Why not me? What am I?

His disturbing thought process was interrupted by an annoying mild ache in the side of his leg as the redhead next to him kicked him roughly.

"Hey Monkey! Quit daydreaming and get me a beer."

Goku's gaze turned towards the harsh voice. While his first reaction should have been to yell a string of insults with a loud refusal to comply, Goku simply didn't have the strength, as his melancholy thoughts proved too draining.

He kicked the cooler towards Gojyo.

"Get it yourself," the utter lack of conviction in his voice was surprising even to him, but it just didn't seem worth fighting over.

"Damn it, you ungrateful little shit! You'd think after all I've done for you that the least you could do is hand me a fucking beer! Damn, what good are you?!"

Now, while this type of outburst was not at all unusual, in fact it was pretty typical and generally would lead to a brotherly fight between the two, spicing things up a bit, at least until it would be abruptly ended by a single shot in the air followed by half hearted death threats or several whacks to the skull by a paper fan.

This time it struck a nerve, one already hyper sensitive from his current state of mind. _What good was he_? Isn't this what he just asked himself?

"Stupid monkey," Gojyo muttered as he lifted the cooler lid and reached in for a beer.

He may as well have screamed it. The insult resounded in his ears, rekindling his fighting spirit. He was so tired of this.

"Damn it, I am not!" Goku slammed his foot down on the cooler lid, crushing Gojyo's hand in the seam as he repositioned himself to face the redhead.

Gojyo cried out as much from anger as from pain.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing you clumsy monkey?! Watch what you're doing! Damn it I use that hand!"

"I'm sure you do you pervey water sprite! And just what good are _you_ if you can't even get your own damn beer?! Do I_ look_ like your servant?"

"As a matter of fact, you do. Now come down off your high horse and get me some ice for the hand you just smashed!"

"Like hell!" Though he did reach for a handful of ice it wasn't to place on his "_friends" _injured hand. He hurled the ice directly into Gojyo's face with a force leaving tiny red welts as evidence of Goku's strength.

"That hurt you son of a bitch!"

With that the fight was on. They exchanged insults as well as fists to the best of their limited ability in the confined space the back of the jeep had to offer.

"Now boys, let's try not to get too carried away. We still have quite a drive to the next town," Hakkai chirped, his smile never failing.

This only spurred Goku on more. How could he show he was not useless, not only something to be suffered?

Then came the inevitable gunshot and abrupt end of the argument. All eyes turned to the monk. The look Goku gave was not one of wide-eyed surprise, matching the other two, nor was it fear or surrender but rather a slanted gaze of frustration. One showing just how upset and tired of all this he was.

Sanzo still faced forward, his gun pointed heavenward. As he turned to face the two in the back seat he lowered the barrel again cocking the gun and aiming first at Gojyo then panning slowly to Goku.

"Shut up or the next time it will be your head I aim for."

The threat was delivered as coldly as the many that came before it, but this time it would not be tolerated. This time Goku planned to test the monk's conviction. If he was truly nothing more than a burden and held no value then what was to stop Sanzo from killing him where he sat. After all he was just another filthy youkai as far as Sanzo was concerned and would eventually be disposed of just like the rest wouldn't he? Why not get it over with now? Goku had grown tired of this prison and again looked to Sanzo to free him.

"Do it."

The Briefest hint of surprise flashed through the monk's eyes before they hardened and narrowed further. It was not missed by Goku , though he doubted the other saw. They didn't know the corrupt monk like he did after all, did they?

"What did you say?" Sanzo growled through gritted teeth.

"You heard me," Goku pressed his forehead to the barrel of the gun to emphasize his point. A metallic clink echoed as the steel of the gun met with the steel of Goku's limiter. "I didn't stutter."

"You're trying my patients."

"I'll make an honest man out of you for once. I'm nothing to you anyway, so do it and be done with me." With that Goku reached up, grabbing the barrel of the gun and pulling it until steel met flesh just between his eyes. Goku leaned in further feeling the steel bite into his skin.

"Go on what are you waiting for? I'm ready," Goku hardened his eyes trying to adopt the same icy stare Sanzo wore.

"Stop the car," Sanzo ordered Hakkai.

"Sanzo, I…."

"Just do it!"

Hakkai obeyed without further argument. As Hakuryu came to a stop, Sanzo removed the gun form the boy's head.

"Get out."

Goku obeyed only as he saw the monk turn to do the same.

"What the hell's gotten into you?"

"I'm tired of being treated like a burden. I'm not your punching bag! If you have no other use for me than to kick me around, then do us both a favor and use that gun you're always threatening me with!"

"Sorry, I have no bullets to waste on you Monkey."

"You lie! I know you better than that! What am I to you? Haven't I done everything you asked? What more do I need to do to mean _something_ to you?" Goku lowered his head, and his voice.

"You saved me from that place. I only wanted to be useful to you. I wanted you to need me like I needed you. Why do you hate me so much? What did I do?"

"Ch," was Sanzo's only reply. Cold eyes burned into Goku.

"Why did you free me? Why let me go if I'm just a useless thing to kick around? It doesn't even seem to make you feel better! I thought you were the sun. I _knew it_ when I first saw you."

Sanzo's eyes glazed for a moment as a distant memory threatened. _Sun…..my sun._ He had heard that before, it seemed so…._familiar. _Konzen. That name. Why did _that name _keep coming up? Than wasn't him…..was it? No, he was Ginjo Sanzo. But still, it was so _familiar._

"I wish you would have left me there. If I had known it was going to be like this, I would have never followed! I prefer that prison to yours!"

Goku's words brought Sanzo back to himself.

As Sanzo's eyes came back into focus he found Goku staring at him intently. As violet met gold all things seemed to vanish.

The pained expression carved into Goku's expression was too much for the priest to bare. Where was the innocent smile and care free sparkle he had grown accustomed to? This look did not belong to his Goku, he thought. _His Goku?_ When did he think that? It didn't matter, at that moment he thought he would give anything to make that look go away.

He had no idea the effect he was having on the boy. He had tried to distance himself for both their good as he didn't think he would be coming out of this alive, but not at this cost. This was the very thing he had hoped to prevent. Why couldn't the stupid monkey just find his happiness elsewhere?

'I never asked him to follow me,' Sanzo thought to himself.

Goku was the one to break eye contact. He felt his eyes beginning to sting and blur. He looked down at his clenched fist, noting for the first time the burn as his own nails bit into his palms. He didn't want to feel this way. He just wished it would all go away. Shutting his eyes against the sting he felt a single tear slide down the side of his face. How embarrassing, and he knew there would be many more to follow.

He tried in vain to swallow a small, startled cry as he felt his head being lifted. Once again he found himself held by those violet eyes.

"Hey" Sanzo had moved in so close Goku could feel the heat from his breath. Goku didn't know how to react. He only stood there staring stupidly, mouth slightly open, silently conveying his predicament.

"You have no obligation to me, don't ever think you owe me anything, you are free to leave anytime you like," Sanzo's voice was softer now then Goku had ever heard. And the things he was saying were so out of character. Was this really Sanzo talking? Goku could not prevent the tears spilling once again, from his flooded eyes.

"You are also free to stay as long as you like. I heard you calling to me, and when I finally came to answer, with the intent to knock the ever living shit out of the annoying voice that would never shut up, and was so damn loud, you looked up at me with that stupid look on your face and I lost my will to strike. I knew you needed out. You should be free to enjoy the world around you, to soak up all it had to offer. I wanted you happy. I still want you happy. The last thing I wanted was to be the cause of your suffering."

Those words melted away all of Gokus's doubt and pain. They were the words he had needed to hear for so long, the assurance he had desperately needed.

Without thinking Goku quickly wrapped his arms around the blonde in front of him, pulling himself as close as he could he buried his head in the monk's chest as his tears broke free, streaking down his face even as the smile spread across his lips.

As soon as he realized what he had done he stiffened slightly expecting to be pushed away and very likely beaten within an inch of his life, so when strong arms wrapped around him in response he was naturally surprised, but unwilling to move, determined to enjoy every moment of this while it lasted as he was unlikely to ever find himself in this position again.

Goku felt a soft cheek press against the top of his head. Then a voice as smooth and soft as silk spoke to him.

"I never wanted you to be my servant or my prisoner. I've done nothing to deserve your loyalty, though I am grateful for it. You've done nothing to deserve my wrath and I am sorry for that. I don't know why I am the way I am or how to change or if I really even want to. But if it means your happiness, I will try. Just be patient, the rest you have to figure out for yourself."

The boy felt the gentle pressure of soft thin lips press down against the top of his head. Was this really happening? Was he really hearing and feeling these things from Sanzo; _his cold, cruel Sanzo_? None of this seemed real. It was all so out of place.

Slowly, as the tears finally began to cease, and Goku was able to calm himself, he pulled back and looked into the Priest's face, his arms loosened their grip, but didn't let go entirely.

Goku found himself speechless, a rare occurrence. He saw the reassurance in Sanzo's eyes and could not suppress the stupid smile that spread across his face. This was his sun, one that would warm and nourish him as long as he lived. How could he ever live without his sun?

Arms slipped free of the boy.

"Better now?"

Goku could only nod in response.

"Good. Then get in the damn car, we've got things to do." Goku felt a hand lightly bop him on the back of his head to emphasize the point.

Another smile spread across his face. He knew there was no malice in it, but love, in the only way his keeper knew to express it, and he was comforted by this.

As they climbed back into the jeep, their companions to polite or too scared to say anything regarding the strange events that had transpired just now, Goku found his voice.

"Hey Sanzo?"

"What?"

"I'm _sooo_ hungry. Are we gonna eat soon?"

"Ch," was Sanzo's only reply as he slipped on his glasses and unfolded his newspaper, ignoring the boy's question.

"Damn it monkey! Don't you ever think about anything but food?" Gojyo chimed in.

"You're the same way you damn cockroach," Goku retorted.

"Now boys, please try to behave until we reach the next town," Hakkai pleaded as Hakuryu pulled out.

And so they continued their journey west, things back to normal and Goku's piece of mind restored.

The end.


End file.
